you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
