just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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