I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
