i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
