he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
