I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
