I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I am naked and annoyed.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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