Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
