Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
