I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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