Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
