i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize