Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize