Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
