I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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