Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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