worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
