Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I want to fling myself into the sun
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
