Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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