I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
