Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
