I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
