I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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