you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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