I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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