Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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