I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
