I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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