Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
