I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
