I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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