i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
