I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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