I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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