remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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