I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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