Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
