phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize