When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
