Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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