just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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