Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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