You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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