I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
