I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
