You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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