My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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