Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
