so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
