I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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