Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
