if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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