Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
