I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
