is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize