just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
