Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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