He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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