I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you had me at cake vodka
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
