I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
