this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
