cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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